In the Locker Room

The recent (un)predictable struggles of team Billy Mauls Kittens/Choor Uses Lady Papers/soon to be Keegs [verb] [something undesirable] has inspired several members of the Associated Press to try and get an inside look at what has gone wrong. And we have some notable quotables from various interviews, only here at the Annexation.

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"I dunno, man. I really think it has to do with how coach changes the team name like every 4 days. The cheerleaders can't come up with cheers that fast, man. Low morale, man. Low morale."
--Lee Evans, under performing #2 wide receiver

"My knee is fine, it's nothing like that. It's just...I mean, c'mon. Look who I'm throwing to. Dwayne Bowe is my #1? Are you kidding? KEVIN BOSS? The GM just plain can't draft."
--FUCKING Tom Brady, sonofabitch

"OK, here it is. Brady's a douche, all he cares about is winning his own games. But I don't get points for his wins. Frank [Gore] is a little bitch, he's always hurt or some shit. I have about 5 guys and a defense from the Giants on the team for some reason. We have no offensive line. Steve [Slaton]'s good and all, but he can't run with no line. Probably could have picked one of them up in the earlier rounds, huh? Bowe is, for lack of a better term, a piece of shit. Driver's carrying this goddamn team. And I mean carrying them. Lee [Evans] could learn a lot from him. God DAMN he sucks."
--Coach Tim Sutton, gentleman, scholar, and lumberjack

"I honestly don't know what Tom [Brady]'s talking about. I think the receivers are fine. Especially the tight end."
--Eli Manning, had two OK games in a row

"No idea. Just got here. Trying to do my best to help this team win games. Coach has mentioned stuff to me about hoping 'MBIII's knee gets caved the fuck in,' though. Could have something to do with that."
--Tashard Choice, flex back

"It's those pussy roughing the passer calls. There should be a new stat, PIY. Penalties in yards. And we get points for it. Hockey players get points for PIM, so why shouldn't we? It only makes sense."
--Collective Giants D/ST, except whining less than the Ravens (who are all bitches)

"No, he's right. I am hurt kind of a lot."
--Frank Gore, injury-prone S.O.B

"Yeah, and that O-Line thing was pretty accurate. I mean, at least try and get Logan Mankins or something."
--Steve Slaton, sufferer of a bad offensive line and a case of the fumbles

"What the fuck did Brady say?"
--Dwayne Bowe, offended #1 WR

"What do you mean, what did Brady say? Did you hear coach?"
--Lee Evans, more offended #2 WR

"I think coach was spot on. Brady could have elaborated a little bit, you know. Made some exceptions. But hey, he's the leader. Maybe not in points, but in spirit or some bullshit like that. Fuck it, he's being a goddamn loser. I am carrying this pile of shit they call a team."
--Donald Driver, the team's only good fucking player

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And there you have it. I was, in fact, able to contact Sutton himself about his comments. He had this to say.

"OK, I might have overreacted. I was just a little upset, you know? We actually had a decent game last week, but couldn't come out on top. But seriously, Lee Evans fucking blows. Hard."