The Reincarnation of the Article of the Millennium

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a tribute article to the best article ever written, entitled "I'm Completely Pissed Right Now." Well, not only do I not remember any of the gems that were hidden within the depths of the Article of the Millennium, I barely even remember the subject matter. Thus, I am forcing myself to write yet another Article of the Millennium--and this time, I assure you that my browser will not be able to vanquish my effort.

With that said, here are my thoughts on a few Boston/New England sports issues that I've been pondering:

The Red Sox Offseason

We all know that Scott Boras was joking when he came out with the contract that he and Varitek were "expecting" to get. He even went so far as to say that they were using Jorge Posada's deal (which he got after a career year) as a "benchmark." Funny joke, Scotty. But seriously, how much do you want? We could always use a guy that can somehow get wins out of an elite pitching staff and at the same time bat .220.

In all seriousness, I love Jason Varitek as much as the next guy, but I just think his days as a Major League catcher are over, or close to it. Maybe last year was a down year, and his undeniable relationship with Heidi Watney will allow him to relinquish his ways of 2008. If we can sign him for 2 years max, I'd be OK with it. I'd be more OK, however, with trading for Jarrod Saltalamacchia or Taylor Teagarden (not only two of the best catching prospects in the MLB, but two of the best names as well) while we wait for the development of Luis "Don't Call Me Phil" Exposito.

Now we get to the exciting stuff--the free agents that come from teams other than our own. Mark Teixeira--do we need him? Obviously we could use him, but I'm not sure we need him enough to outbid the Yankees. We still have a guy I like to call Lars Anderson waiting in the minors, and if Papi is still showing signs of a sharp decline and/or Mike Lowell isn't healthy, I wouldn't be surprised to see Lars on the big club for bench time at worst. Signing Tex would be nice, but I just don't see it happening. Hopefully I'm wrong, as I usually am. As for pitching, there have been several names tossed around--C.C Sabathia, Ben Sheets, Jake Peavy, Derek Lowe, Zack Greinke. Of those, I would have to say that Lowe or Greinke have the best chance to land with the Sox in the offseason. Greinke was on my fantasy team, so I know he could help us out immensely--and he won on the ROYALS. Lowe is a sinkerball pitcher, and we all know he can have success with the Red Sox. Sabathia will be too expensive (plus we don't really need a fourth ace on the staff), Ben Sheets is too injury-prone (and looks like he'll be with the Astros, anyway), and Jake Peavy would be far too expensive for us. I say give the prospects time (Buchholz, etc.) before trading them away for Peavy.


Boston Bruins Season

The Bruins are off to a 7-3-3 start this year, which is cause for excitement (for me and TSQB, at least). I went to the Maple Leafs game last night, a game in which Blake Wheeler pulled off the ever elusive "bra trick" (OK, so it was a hat trick--but some woman was apparently wearing her bra on her head [a gross miscalculation by her, in my opinion], mistook it for a hat, and threw it on the ice. Wheeler signed the bra later.). Patrice Bergeron is a sight for sore eyes, David Krejci is exceeding everyone's expectations (Adam Oates, anyone?), and Phil Kessel is just awesome. As a matter of fact, there isn't a single player on this team I can't say something positive about--and the fact that the team has so many young players is the most exciting part. 6 starting forwards and 3 defensemen 23 or under--and they're 7-3-3. It looks like a bright future for our B's.


The Celtics Aiming for a Repeat

Since I'm not huge on basketball knowledge, I'll just say this--I have to agree with TSQB on this one. I don't think the C's will repeat, for three reasons:

1. The East is much stronger this year--the season will have more of a toll on the Big 3.
2. Even if they win the East, they'll have to face one of about 4 Western powerhouses.
3. I really only had the first two reasons, but everyone always seems to have three reasons for everything. Why is that? Weird coincidence?



The Patriots

OK, so if it isn't clear by now, it never will be--the Patriots are a fair to moderately good team, and could probably even make the playoffs without #12 behind #67 (or #71, depending on the injuries). However, I'm just not sure about this defense. Sure, we held the Colts to just 18 points, but they haven't exactly been the most prolific offense this season. If DeAngelo Hall is really available, why not scoop him up? We've seen from experience that the best way to waste talent and make it look average is to send it to Oakland (sorry Keegs). Hall was very good on Atlanta, and if BB can keep that personality in check, we could have a great signing on our hands. Also--is Terrence Wheatley hurt or something? How could BB watch [insert whoever is playing instead of Wheatley here] get burned time and time again and not try someone different over there? It's either an injury, or Wheatley is just not good--because I keep seeing Jonathan Wilhite in there, so Belichick is clearly not afraid to play rookies on that defense.

EDIT: DeAngelo Hall just signed with the Redskins. There goes that.


Rain Doesn't Change Road Layout
Contrary to popular belief, the rain does not affect your route home. More importantly, the rules of the road in the rain remain eerily similar to those on a sunny day. I just don't understand people sometimes.

To illustrate my point, take Good old Gary. Gary drives home from work every day, like most people. When he gets to the South Station intersection, he typically stays in the center lane to go straight. However, since it is raining today, Gary decides it would be most prudent to go into the right turn only lane, because the rain apparently makes the roads move. Now, once Gary realizes his mistake (which takes minutes of deep thought at the red light), he has to cause huge amounts of traffic in order to get into the center lane. Now, you tell me--does that make any sense?

I don't even want to begin to imagine what it will be like when it's snowing.